Mopar Muscle Association UK

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of "My Dog" dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms in weight before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


I'm now banned from Tesco's

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Jeeez my sides are splitting now

The old one are the best Pete

Well THIS one is TRUE and I actually said it....I am not really known for my tact...


A few years ago I was out Beating at a local high class shoot - paying guns and it was rumoured that members of the Spanish Royal family were present.

At the end of the shoot the Spaniels were cleaning themselves up and getting all the thorns out of themselves; then finishing the job off by lifting their legs skyward and giving the old Crown Jewels an extremely good and thorough licking....

One of the Chinless wonders finished putting his Holland & Holland away and after studying a Spaniel for an inappropriate length of time said:

"I say! That's damned clever, I wish I could do that".....

Without engaging Brain I said:

"Well, if you ask him nicely, I am sure he will let you".

The other Chinless Wonder spat his Brandy out.....

...needless to say I was advised that my presence was no longer required...ever........

Pete. If that is true ?
You've gone up a few notches on my admiration scale !!!

As I live and breathe it is true.


Prior to that one of the chappies was banging away with his lovely English side by side, and I was about 20 yards away.

He was not hitting much and decided that fire power was the answer (not accuracy) and he was putting up a box barrage around the hapless Pheasants....

I then heard the unmistakable sound of a mis-fire on his second barrel.

I then had to decide if I was prepared to move nearer to him to warn him, OR bugger off in the other direction in a true spirit of self-preservation.

What do you think I did?

I was about 30 yards away when it went BANG! (Very loudly).

When the smoke cleared, the barrel had opened up from the fore end grip to the muzzle and was laying out flat.......


Chinless wonder number two wanders up and says:
"Good Lord! I say, is it insured??"

Chinless wonder number one says:
"Oh yes. I'd better get the other one"

He walked back to the Range Rover and got out the other of the matched Pair.

I think one of them was worth more than my house at the time...........

We done some work for a very wealthy family a few years back. Were talking rich list status !
Lovely people , who regularly had a shoot.
The fella's dad who had the contract Bob ,was a proper old school shooter , and was invited to a shoot , to beat etc.
one of the chaps was banging away with his Holland and Holland missing everything.
He screamed out " more cartridges , more cartridges " Bob , who was near him said " Mate , it don't matter how many cartridges you chuck through that thing you couldn't hit a barn door "



Our contract ended soon after !